ways to love (Uranus, 2010) is a book written by two hands by the psychiatrist Amir Levine and the psychologist Rachel Heller. It is a manual focused on treating attachment in adults from a scientific basis. It provides very useful information on this concept that begins to spread among the population as relationships evolve and become more complicated.
If you are thinking about how to improve your bonds or want to understand what kind of attachment you have in your relationships based on your personality, be sure to read this book. Is the definitive book to know how attachment conditions our relationships.
Ways of loving: or how attachment conditions our relationships
learning about attachment
We are social animals, and the quality of our relationships will have a decisive impact on the people we are, as well as on our lives.. Levine and Heller demystify some of the theories that were held about attachment and contrast their studies through a scientific basis. To do this, they go back to the hypothesis developed by John Bowlby, the English psychoanalyst who pioneered attachment theory.
This book, which is already thirteen years old, closes the possibility of attachment being considered a disorder. quite the contrary, Human beings have an urgent need to establish secure bonds and attachment is something logical and expected between us.. However, there are some attachments that are desirable and advantageous, that do not limit autonomy and that make us maintain healthy relationships with others. Likewise, there are also others that can be toxic at the relational level with other people. Although in an intimate way we are also affected by a times attachment, since self-esteem can be deeply hurt.
attachment in adulthood
Of what there is no doubt, and this has been demonstrated by various studies, is that our attachment depends to a large extent on the attachment we received as children. The forge of our personality, the type of attachment or emotional dependency levels of our childhood and the kind of affection or attention that our parents gave us determine this adult attachment that the authors deal with in the book.
The explanations in the manual are quite clear and help to understand the reader who searches through their pages the type of attachment they have and the result of bonding with a person with a different attachment. The authors cast a net for the anxiously attached person and warn the avoidant of the behavior that he may engage in with the anxious. Attention to this, because, in any case, these two types of attachment are unfavorable for a full life and healthy relationships. The person with a secure attachment should also read carefully, remember that these people also have emotional ties with others. Human beings are by definition interrelational.
Types of attachment
As we said, Dr. Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller describe John Bowlby's attachment theory, which divided attachment into three types:
- Insurance. The one with a secure attachment knows the emotional balance in relationships, is able to talk about his feelings and seeks to connect with the other person through empathy.
- Anxious. He feels hurt, he is a person with low self-esteem who always needs the other person and is constantly afraid of abandonment. He is an emotional dependent.
- avoidant. He is usually a person who avoids talking about feelings. They are cold and distant people; they normally have this character because they have suffered moments of indifference since childhood.
Knowing the attachments that exist, as well as the personality traits and the consequences of each of them helps to understand the relational difficulties, as well as the emotions that assail us in the face of our deepest insecurities. It must not be forgotten that these insecurities are caused by contact with the other from the intimate emotional world. Understanding each other's attachment is understanding yourself, which means a better analysis of the situation in order to reverse it. Because yes, it is stated that it is possible to transform our type of attachment.
Conclusions
ways to love It is a book about adult attachment, although limiting it to couple relationships would be leaving a current work on this topic too restricted. Undoubtedly, it is a manual that can help to discern the reader's personality and clear up certain doubts on a subject that is beginning to be too hackneyed and that is often talked about without knowing. Adult attachment has direct consequences on childhood attachment (it is a wheel that feeds back) and this book has the scientific basis of the pioneer John Bowlby. Treat the different attachments to be able to change the negative or harmful ones for healthy and safe ones that make us relate to others from our own self-esteem and love..
About the authors
Amir Levine is a renowned Israeli neurologist and psychiatrist.. He is currently in charge of doing research studies at Columbia University and works with Eric Kandel, winner of the Nobel Prize in Medicine in the year 2000. He is a member of the American Psychiatric Association, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and the Neuroscience Society.
Rachel Heller is a social psychologist from Columbia University. and the friendship with Dr. Levine prompted both of them to create this book. Heller is dedicated to working on attachment and relationships with the people who come to his office.